


5 times the world thought harley keener was dating spiderman

by tempestaurora



Series: wayward sons [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Gen, Lots and lots of mistakes, Social Media
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-09-13 13:52:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16893849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tempestaurora/pseuds/tempestaurora
Summary: and 1 time they thought peter parker was“Asshole,” Peter said.“What did I do?”He tapped the internet icon on his phone and showed it to Harley, who immediately laughed so hard he choked on air.BUZZFEED: THE CUTEST SHIP OF THE WEEK, SPIDERMAN AND HARLEY KEENERIs one of the famous Iron Sons dating the friendly neighbourhood Spiderman of Queens? Keener posts the cutest Snapchat story with the masked vigilante!





	5 times the world thought harley keener was dating spiderman

**Author's Note:**

> i hear u guys go crazy for 5+1s  
> ALRIGHT i wanna be clear here: there is no romantic relationship between harley and peter. in my verse they're best friends and brothers and i really like writing close male friendships. harley is also soft on the inside, in case you've never thought about him being much more than a smartass lmao  
> EDIT: pls PL E A S E stop shipping them in the comments i'm actually losing my mind  
> other notes: the ending is a mess imo. from part 5 onwards i'm really not sure about it but i can't be bothered to change it; i just imagine that harley's kinda reached the end of his rope with this silly idea and he's kinda tired of being asked about it.  
> oh yeah this is part of a series i rec reading the other parts first!
> 
> anyway! this is stupid and fun. enjoy!

**i. snapchat**

Harley had somewhere in the region of four thousand followers on Snapchat, which, honestly, was more than he deserved. Most of his snaps involved his face being far too close to camera or his _friends’_ faces being far too close to the camera.

On Wednesday, his Snapchat story was the following:

First, a five second clip of MJ. In the background, The Pussycat Dolls’ _Don’t Cha_ was playing, and MJ was singing along. On the line, _Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me?,_ Harley zoomed in on MJ as she sang _raw_ in a funny voice, pulling a face.

Then, a shaky image from inside a school lab of a beaker, frothing over. There was text that read _SHIT SHIT SHIT WE DID SOMETHING WRONG_ over the top.

A video, posted a few minutes later, of the fire alarm ringing and Harley’s wide eyes as he walked along a corridor. Beside him, Peter Parker could be seen in the corner of the frame, laughing.

“We did this,” Harley hissed. “It exploded – oh my God, it exploded. We’re so expelled. Oh my God. Oh my G-”

Three hours later, a snap added to his story, taken by someone else. Peter and Harley on the grass at Midtown High, posing as they lifted their hands up in the air, victorious. The text was white and massive. _WE’RE NOT EXPELLED!!!!!!_

For a few hours, there was nothing. Harley Keener would be constantly on Snapchat or he’d forget about it for three weeks with no in between. However, after he’d eaten dinner in the penthouse of Stark Tower, he went on a wander, filming himself.

“I’m gonna go find something confidential for you guys to see,” he announced, the corridors flying past as he went. He was actually skateboarding down the hall – he only skateboarded inside the tower and specifically because everyone who saw him do it shook their head, sighing with disdain. Truthfully, Harley had little to no idea how to skateboard other than to make it go.

The next video was of him in a workshop. Somewhere behind him, DUM-E was whizzing about, cleaning up a mess he’d made. “Today’s confidential secret that you’re not supposed to know about,” Harley announced, spinning the chair. He was _about_ to show Snapchat some design that wasn’t actually confidential at all, but just then, his eyes lit up and he stopped spinning. “Oh, hey, dude! Wanna say hi to Snapchat?” There was a pause as the screen flipped; in front of the wall of windows to the workshop, Spiderman was stretching after swinging through. A window closed behind him.

“Hey, Snapchat!”

The video changed, Spiderman and Harley next to each other. “Spiderman, tell the world what good friends we are.”

The Spiderman mask couldn’t roll its eyes, but Peter Parker absolutely was. “The bestest,” he said, dry. Harley flung an arm around his shoulder.

“What’s your favourite thing about me?”

Spiderman scoffed. “Your modesty.”

“Do you love me?” Harley asked.

“No,” Spiderman replied.

There was a photo of Spiderman as he walked to the door of the workshop. _HE LOVES ME_ was written over the top.

Then, a moment later, there was a two and a half second clip of Harley zooming in on Spiderman’s butt as he walked away. _AND I LOVE DAT ASS._

 

The next day as Harley jogged up the front steps of school, Peter barrelled into his side.

“Asshole,” Peter said.

“What did I do?”

“Your Snapchat story.”

“What about it?”

Peter rolled his eyes, fishing his phone from his pocket. It was a StarkPhone that Peter had adamantly said he hadn’t needed, but his last phone was cracked beyond repair and Tony had pestered him about it until Peter converted to the specially-made Peter Parker-proof StarkPhone.

He tapped the internet icon and showed it to Harley, who immediately laughed so hard he choked on air.

 

**_BUZZFEED: THE CUTEST SHIP OF THE WEEK, SPIDERMAN AND HARLEY KEENER_ **

_Is one of the famous Iron Sons dating the friendly neighbourhood Spiderman of Queens? Keener posts the cutest Snapchat story with the masked vigilante!_

“Oh no,” Harley said, but he was grinning.

“Don’t make this any worse than it is,” Peter warned. “Spiderman is my prime time to get cute people to pay attention to me – don’t make me a cheater.”

Harley barked out a laugh and shoved open the school doors. “Wouldn’t dream of it, honey.”

**ii. six-o-clock news**

It was the next Monday when things escalated just a little. Harley stared, wide-eyed at the news, Tony Stark on one side of him and Pepper Potts on the other. Tony seemed as shocked as him, and Pepper had a single raised eyebrow, her chopsticks frozen mid-air in her hands.

“That’s not what it looks like,” Harley announced.

“FRIDAY,” Tony said, his voice a higher octave than normal. “Rewind to the beginning of the segment.”

The screen flickered back and Harley felt dread pool in his stomach. He didn’t want to watch this _again._ He’d lived it – just, not like this.

The anchor on screen was blonde and smiling. “Our final story of the night,” she started, “is one of a rumoured blossoming romance between the Queens vigilante Spiderman and Harley Keener, one of Tony Stark’s protégés. While the identity of Spiderman is a mystery, Keener has found himself in the spotlight since Stark announced his presence in StarkTower via Instagram. Just today, Harley Keener was caught on camera with the masked vigilante, and it _does_ leave us asking questions.”

The clip filled the screen. A shaky camera watching as Spiderman finished a battle in the middle of the street with a mutant who could just… jump really high. It was a strange battle that Harley had watched from the side of the road, crouched behind a trashcan after Peter had explicitly told him to leave. (Harley answered to no one. He stayed.) They’d been walking home when the jumping man – Peter nicknamed him Kangaroo during the battle – came leaping down the street after robbing a bank.

On screen, Spiderman webbed Kangaroo to the side of a building, police cars skidding into the empty street. Spiderman ducked out of their eyeline, but the camera followed, until he moved to where Harley was crouched. There wasn’t audio from this distance, but there was a clear enough visual of Spiderman helping Harley up and Harley pulling Spiderman in for a hug. It was a Harley kind of hug. Quick, meaningful, and then over in a second. (The only other kind of Harley-hug usually involved Harley jumping on the other’s back.)

Spiderman and Harley seemed to be talking about something, before Spiderman pulled Harley to his side at the waist, Harley’s arm around his shoulder. They leapt off, Spiderman swinging them out of sight.

The anchor returned to the screen. “The footage you just saw was posted to the official Spider Watch Twitter account after the fight that took place in Queens this afternoon. The person Spiderman leaves with has been identified as Harley Keener. Now, Rob, what do you think of that footage?”

The anchor turned in her chair to her co-anchor. “Well, they seem close, for one. I’m not one to jump to romantic conclusions, but why the hug?”

“Why the hug?” the first anchor repeated. “A good question. It’s hypothesised across the internet that the two of them are in a romantic relationship – I don’t know about you, but I haven’t seen Spiderman carry anyone away like that before.”

“I certainly haven’t, Joan,” Rob agreed. “And what’s more, neither Keener nor Spiderman have ever _hinted_ at romantic attachments to anyone before. This is truly the first time we’re seeing this from either of them.”

“I agree,” Joan said with a nod, before turning back to the camera. “We’re yet to have confirmation of this relationship. Right before this event, Spiderman took down a man named Frank Oliver, who’d robbed-”

“Mute,” Tony interrupted. Silence reigned in the penthouse before Tony turned to Harley with a raised eyebrow. “I feel like I’d know if you were dating Spiderman.”

Harley felt oddly insulted by the words. “You wouldn’t know.”

“Oh, I would. Spiderman’s a gossip and also a terrible liar.”

Harley pouted and turned back to his Chinese food, slowly going cold.

“So,” Pepper started on the other side of him. “You and Spiderman, huh?”

Harley rolled his eyes with a groan, forgetting the food and slumping back in the sofa. Tony and Pepper grinned at each other.

“We get it, we get it,” Tony said, lifting a hand in surrender. “Just, why the hug?”

“A good question, Rob,” Pepper agreed with a nod. “Why the hug?”

Harley cracked half a smile, then dropped it. “I can hug people.”

“You can.” Tony nodded.

Harley was an affectionate human being and he gave out physical comfort like Oprah gave out free gifts. He leaned on people’s shoulders, swung arms around theirs, leapt on their backs whenever possible. He bumped knuckles as greetings, rested his feet on people’s legs, caught hands with his when he was distracted and looking to be pulled along without much fuss. He didn’t hug often, though, because Harley had very few people to hug.

Peter was one of those few people – but even they only tended to embrace after something scary had gone down.

Harley huffed. “He went down during that fight,” he said, quiet. “It was quick—he was down and then only a moment later he was up again. But he didn’t move, you know?”

Pepper and Tony shared another look before nodding.

“We get it,” Pepper said, brushing Harley’s hair from his forehead with a graze of her fingers.

“You were scared for him.”

Harley didn’t say anything, so they went back to eating their food and watching the weather report. Half way through it, Tony quirked a smile.

“We should monopolise on this _you and Spiderman dating_ thing.”

Harley raised an eyebrow. “How so?”

 

Half an hour later, Tony Stark was tweeting the link to a Spotify playlist called _songs for when your son is dating a vigilante._

It did nothing to quash the growing rumours.

**iii. instagram**

Peter glared at Harley, but he probably deserved it.

They were sat in the car after school on Tuesday, somehow having not seen each other throughout the entire day. Harley was in and out of classes, having been roped into the Spirit Week preparations of next week (really, he signed up because he wanted out of class) and Peter, avidly ignoring Harley when he _was_ around.

Except now they had the half hour car ride to Manhattan ahead of them and Happy had already raised the divider so he wouldn’t have to listen to them bicker.

Harley rolled his eyes. “Come on, Parker, just say it.”

“You _said_ you wouldn’t make this any worse.”

“I know what I said.”

“Then why didn’t you _do that?_ ”

“Hey – this is on both of us, we were both in that video.”

Peter frowned. “You hugged me. You could’ve _not_ done that.” Harley blinked and Peter huffed, as if realising what a stupid idea that was. “The playlist.”

“Tony’s idea.”

“You were there.”

“Sure, and so was Pepper.”

Peter huffed. “I bet she didn’t think it was a good idea.”

“She laughed a lot and said _Spidey won’t be happy about this._ So, she was right.”

“Of course she was right! Harley! Everyone in America thinks we’re dating!”

“No, everyone in America thinks _I’m_ dating a superhero. Peter Parker isn’t a part of this yet.”

“Yet.” Peter was full on glaring now and Harley groaned, tipping his head back and resting it against the window. He flung out a leg across the seat until he could nudge Peter’s knee with his shin.

“Peter.”

“Harley.”

“ _Peter._ ”

Peter sighed through his nose.

“Sorry,” Harley said. “I should’ve sent you a heads up about the playlist.”

“Agreed.”

“If it makes it any better, America thinks we’re cute. Did you see the fanart?”

“How is there _already_ fanart?”

Harley shrugged. “Artists are fast, I don’t know. I’m pretty sure there’s a fic or two in the making. Someone tagged me on Tumblr but I haven’t read it yet.”

“You have a Tumblr?”

“Occasionally,” Harley replied with a shrug, pulling out his phone. He had bookmarked a few pages of art that he’d found. “Look. We’re adorable.” He shoved his phone into Peter’s hand, who scrolled through the images with a small smile on his face. “They call us Spiderley.”

Peter quirked an eyebrow. “That’s actually the most pleasant combination of the names I can think of.”

“Same. The fans did good.”

Peter handed the phone back and studied the look in Harley’s eye. “You want to make it look like we’re dating, don’t you?”

Harley couldn’t resist a grin. “If your alter ego doesn’t mind. I know he’s busy flirting with all the cute victims in New York, but if he could take a few weeks off-”

Peter groaned, loud and exaggerated. “Alright.”

“Alright?”

“Sure. But you run it all by me before you post it, okay? I don’t want to be blind-sided by anything.”

“You got it, babe.” Harley held out his fist.

“Oh, I hate this already.” Peter knocked his knuckles against Harley’s.

 

Harley sent off a message to the artist of his favourite work before they even reached the tower and had a reply within five minutes. He posted it on his Instagram from the floor of the lab, where Tony currently had about seventy pieces of paper spread out in front of him. He passed it to Peter for approval before posting.

The drawing was digital, a landscape of the Queensboro Bridge and two figures standing at its highest point. In webbing, across the cables holding up the bridge, were the words _I LOVE YOU_ , and there was a second image, a close up of Harley and Spiderman embracing.

Harley’s caption read: _i will neither confirm nor deny but the spiderley artwork is pretty cute_.

He tagged the artist and hashtagged only _#spiderley_ and _#friendlyneighbourhoodboyfriend._

 

**_HARLEY KEENER ADOPTS THE “SPIDERLEY” SHIP NAME_ **

_He’s confirming nothing about his rumoured relationship with crime-fighting vigilante, Spiderman, but he’s definitely not opposed to it._

 

 **iv.** **twitter**

Something had to go wrong, because of course it did. Peter didn’t have any Spiderman social media, so everything going up online was on Harley’s accounts, and by Friday, he’d posted two more fan works, complimenting the art and laughing about the poses, while determinedly not acknowledging whether he and Spiderman were dating or not. He’d also posted a smattering of Tweets, joking about things Spiderman had said.

At school, people had been asking questions.

Harley Keener was not a popular kid. In fact, he was only on anyone’s radars because he’d a) punched Flash in the face on his third day of school, and b) been dubbed as one of the “Iron Sons”. The first fact made people give him a wide berth, while the second drove them towards him in herds.

Originally, after Tony Stark acknowledged his mentorship of Harley and Peter, kids would ask them questions all the time, and everyone – teachers included – had to begrudgingly admit that Peter had an internship at SI. After a while, they’d lost interest, especially when they weren’t getting any good gossip out of it.

With the Spiderley situation, however, they were always following Harley around.

“Is it true you’re dating Spiderman?”

“Do you know Spiderman’s real identity?”

“Have you kissed Spiderman?”

“Oh my God, does Iron Man support your relationship?”

“Does this mean Spiderman’s our age? Or are you dating a thirty-year-old?”

Harley tried his best to either answer vaguely or duck out of the conversations entirely, but sometimes that was too difficult. Sometimes, Flash Thompson was involved.

The world found out about it when it was posted on Twitter by some kid in the year below Harley. The camerawork was shoddy at best, but it caught all the highlights and the audio was clear enough to hear the whole shouted conversation.

Flash approached Harley during lunch.

He stalked to the table where Harley sat with Peter, Ned and MJ, and leant against it with his knuckles. “Don’t you think it’s hilarious that people think _you’re_ dating Spiderman?” he asked, a jeer in his tone.

“Incredibly,” Harley replied, dry and with his mouth full.

Flash didn’t seem to care, raising his voice as he pushed away from the table. “Like Spiderman would date you anyway. You know he’s probably old, right? Is Spiderman _preying_ on you?”

“Hey!” Ned interrupted. “I thought you _liked_ Spiderman?”

“I thought he _loved_ him,” MJ added, rolling her eyes.

Flash waved a hand at them, brushing them off. “I’m just saying, Keener. You and Spiderman, not happening. Not real. It’s ridiculous.”

“Is it,” Harley said, not caring about the answer.

“Yeah. I mean, I’m liberal, or whatever. I don’t care if it’s guy-on-guy, but let’s not act like someone like _Spiderman_ would want to go for someone like you.”

“Someone like me.”

“Yeah,” Flash said, lazily spinning on one foot, grossly aware of the entire cafeteria watching in silence. “Southern country hick, poor as shit, probably sucking off Tony Stark to get where you are-”

There was a sudden clatter as Harley stood up, shoving his food tray away. He raised his voice: “Say that again to my face, asshole!”

Flash turned back. “What, that you’re giving Iron Man blowies-” He jumped back when Harley vaulted the table that separated them, closing the distance in a second.

“Yeah, that,” Harley muttered, backing Flash up against the next table behind him.

“Oh,” Flash said, playing it off with a sick grin. “Don’t get too close – you don’t want to make Spiderman jealous. Hey, tell me, who tops?”

Harley grabbed the front of Flash’s shirt in his fist, holding it so tight it threatened to rip.

“Keener!” a teacher barked from the doorway of the cafeteria. The room was deadly silent, and no one moved. “Let go of Thompson right this instant or you’ll be sitting in detention for the next month.”

Harley hesitated before opening his fist, dropping it down to his side. He didn’t move away from Flash, though. “What the fuck is your problem?” he asked.

Flash just smiled, but he didn’t say a thing.

Harley huffed, shook his head and stepped back, Flash visibly relieved about the space between them. Harley glowered as he stepped up onto the bench, onto the table and then back over to his side next to Peter.

Everyone watched him as he did so. Then Flash said, with a chuckle, “I don’t get what Spiderman would see in him. Keener, are you even dating him-”

“What if I am?” Harley yelled. “What would it fucking matter?!” He slammed his hands onto the table, making Ned jump. “What would it fucking matter, Thompson?”

“Keener!” the teacher barked once more.

“Whatever,” Harley said, grabbing his backpack and leaving his uneaten lunch behind. “God, Flash, you ever heard of _not_ being an asshole?”

Peter climbed up from his seat, too, and then Ned and MJ after.

“Jesus Christ,” Harley said, the first of the four to leave. Ned and Peter followed immediately, but MJ paused to turn around, flipping the bird at Flash.

“Just a note,” she said, “but if you ever imply anything like that about Harley and Stark again, I’ll rip your dick off, Eugene.” She left the camera frame next and the video cut off.

 

Ned saw it first and posted the link in the group chat.

Harley didn’t watch it, seeing as he lived it, particularly vividly, and resorted to hiding in his bed until dinner. And then, through dinner, refusing to come out and staying exactly where he was, trying to decide if it was worth continuing the joke of he and Spiderman’s budding relationship when there were people like Flash Thompson in the world. Was it better to spite Thompson and continue? Or would it be less hassle to drop it and forget the whole thing. To never post a photo of Spiderman again.

It was eight PM when there was another knock at his door.

“Harley?” Tony asked. “You awake?” When Harley didn’t reply, Tony cracked the door open. Harley huffed, throwing the duvet off his face. “Hey, kid.” Harley mumbled a few sounds and syllables that made up gibberish. “Peter sent me a video this afternoon.”

Harley pulled the duvet back up again.

There was a pause, footsteps, and then the side of his bed lowering under Tony’s weight. They didn’t do this often. They were a family, yes; he, Tony, Pepper and Peter – but they were not _family._ They didn’t have emotional chats, they didn’t kiss each other’s foreheads and tuck the boys into bed. There were no bedtime stories here – Harley was especially aware of the _temporary_ in the term _temporary guardian_ and that Tony Stark had not asked for Harley’s presence. It had been Harley’s mother’s idea, and Tony had drawn the short straw.

“Harley,” Tony said, quiet.

“Don’t,” Harley interrupted from beneath the duvet. It came out muffled.

“Come on, kid, I can’t hear you when you’re under there.”

“I like it under here.”

There was a beat of silence. “It’s not like you to hide from anything, let alone Flash Thompson.”

“I’m not hiding,” Harley replied after a beat.

“No? Then what are you doing?”

“Thinking.”

“About what?”

Harley rolled his lip. “About how I want to hide from people who _aren’t_ Flash Thompson.”

He heard Tony’s sigh before the duvet shifted, pulling away from his face. Harley let it happen and dropped his gaze onto Tony, who didn’t seem pitying in his gaze, just concerned.

“He shouldn’t have said that shit,” Tony said, before Harley could decide whether he should burrow further into the duvet or not. “But he did, and I’ve scheduled a meeting with the principle to talk about that, because it’s not okay. But this whole thing – Harley, it was supposed to be fun, you know? It was a mix up and you decided to find the joy in it.”

“You did, actually,” Harley corrected. “With that playlist.”

“Sure, but you built the playlist,” Tony replied. “I just posted it. I’m just saying—you shouldn’t let a bully like that ruin something you and Peter were having fun with. Didn’t you have plans to stage a bunch of ‘dates’ with him in the spider suit?” Harley nodded. “And Peter said yesterday that if you dragged this all the way out to the next dance that he would come as your date in the suit.”

Harley snorted. Peter hadn’t told him that, yet.

Tony smiled, tugging on Harley’s arm until he was sitting up by Tony’s side. “There you go. Moping doesn’t suit you.”

“I’ve never moped in my life.”

“Sure, and I’m not a billionaire.”

Harley hesitated for just a moment before leaning forward and pressing his forehead against Tony’s shoulder. Tony didn’t move at first, before a hand moved up to sit on the back of his neck.

“In future, tell me if someone says that shit to you,” Tony said, low. “I don’t want to hear it from Twitter or Peter or anyone – I want _you_ to tell me, okay?”

Harley nodded into his shoulder.

“Good,” Tony said. Harley moved his head from Tony’s shoulder and watched him stand. “There’s leftovers in the fridge in case you’re hungry. Pep and I were gonna watch a movie in half an hour if you’re interested. Probably something with robots, because Pepper secretly likes those movies.”

Tony left the room before Harley smiled and flopped back against his pillow. Maybe they were that kind of family.

**v. ellen**

“Spirit week is oppressive,” MJ commented as she, Ned and Harley walked through Midtown’s blue-and-yellow-decorated halls. There were streamers, banners and posters everywhere. Balloons hung from the ceilings and a good seventy-five percent of the student body wore their official Midtown t-shirts or hoodies. Harley was wearing his hoodie, because school spirit, and also because as one of the (reluctant) Spirit Week organisers, he had to.

“Where’s Peter?” Ned asked, ignoring MJ’s comment altogether.

“He’ll be here later,” Harley replied, waving a hand. “He’s getting changed.”

The three of them were being funnelled towards the gym, where Spirit Week would be having their Spirit Assembly. Midtown wasn’t big on sports, so the teams that would be getting the applauses were the nationally ranked Mathletes, Academic Decathlon and Robotics Club.

“Getting changed?”

Ned’s question went unanswered as they pushed into the gym. The bleachers were already packed with students and Harley sent MJ and Ned a salute as he stepped away from that path and towards the centre of the room, where the other organisers waited.

Someone bumped knuckles with him, because that was Harley’s preferred form of greeting, and someone else handed him the order of the assembly. Soon enough, everyone was seated and the principle was making some sort of welcome speech to the student body as Harley and the rest of the organisers sat on their chairs behind him.

A few things happened where teachers tried to be funny and band played some music, before Harley was at the podium, trying to put some _pep_ into his voice as he announced the different teams and the students clapped for them. He ran through them all, and when the Academic Decathlon came up, the students cheered, the group moved down to the front of the crowd, as instructed, and Harley tried not to actively glare at Thompson as Flash bounced around, trying to hype up the crowd.

(Flash was, decidedly, not looking at him, either. The meeting they’d both attended with Flash’s parents and Tony-fucking-Stark had resulted in Flash getting two weeks of detention and spitting out an apology he didn’t mean. Harley had a feeling Tony had secretly blacklisted Flash’s name from SI ranks, just in case he ever applied to work there in future. Harley was pretty _peppy_ about all that.)

“Where’s Peter?” Mr Harrington asked, barely loud enough over the cheers of the students.

“Is it really Academic Decathlon if Peter isn’t late or a no-show?” Cindy asked with a laugh.

“And finally,” Harley announced into the microphone, catching the frown from one of the organisers, who knew Decathlon was to be last up, “we have a surprise guest: Midtown’s favourite vigilante, who saved the Decathlon team’s butts in DC: Spiderman!”

The students went wild when through the window at the top of the gym, _conveniently_ left open, Spiderman swung into the room. He flipped, webbed around and whooped before coming to land between the Decathlon and Harley. The team was largely staring at Spiderman in shock, and the vigilante shook their hands and accepted their hugs; belated thanks for saving their lives at the Washington monument. He did this for a moment, clapping a hand on Ned’s shoulder and bumping fists with MJ, before turning to Harley.

It was quick and unplanned and later Harley would punch Peter hard in the arm and then say _you’re a fucking genius_ , but all of a sudden, Harley was tugged to Spiderman’s side, being dipped and kissing the superhero through his mask.

It was only for a second and the school went fucking _crazy._

Even Harley was surprised.

 

That evening, Harley got a text from his sister.

_r u actually dating spiderman or r u joking bc maisy & paul think ur dating spiderman but u’d totally tell me if u were doing that right_

Harley snorted. _Right._

“Okay, let’s make a deal because this will start losing traction soon,” Peter said, “and I don’t _really_ wanna be one of those guys who drags out a joke longer than necessary.”

“Totally,” Harley agreed through a mouth full of cereal.

“If Ellen actually asks if you’re dating Spiderman-”

“I’ll deny it,” Harley finished with a nod. “You know three people came up to me in school today and tried to give me things to pass onto you?”

“They did? Did you take them?”

Harley nodded. “In my bag. But the point is, I’m not a messenger, Parker. The most interesting thing about me right now is _you._ ”

Peter scoffed. “Pretty sure that’s always been the case, Keener.”

 

They’d never been on a talk show before, but it figured that the first one they’d be on came right after Spirit Week and the so-called Kiss of The Century. It wasn’t really a kiss, in Harley’s opinion, because Peter had the mask on, but the world didn’t seem to care.

When Tony found out, he’d sighed, rubbing a hand over his face and saying, “I didn’t see myself turning into a match-making service,” until Harley swore on his life, his sister’s life and his mother’s life that he wasn’t actually dating Spiderman (and, by relation, Peter), which seemed to lessen Tony’s aneurism.

They jumped into Ellen and sat on her sofa, laughing with her jokes and rehashing the basics that everyone already knew. _Iron Sons. Not biologically. Best friends. Yes, we have matching Iron Man hoodies, wouldn’t you?_

Then, Ellen said, “Harley, there’s been a lot of speculation recently about you and Spiderman-”

“You owe me thirty bucks,” Peter said to Harley, who sighed in return. “I bet him thirty that you’d ask about it within the first five questions. He thought it would be first three.”

Ellen laughed. “Had to warm up, first – now, it was all rumours until your school’s Spirit Week, right?”

Harley just sighed again as Peter grinned.

“We have a clip-”

“She has a clip,” Harley repeated, heavy.

“Should we watch the clip?”

“We should watch the clip,” Peter eagerly replied.

The crowd clapped before the clip came on; footage from the stands of the assembly, Harley announcing Spiderman and the hero flipping through the room. He greeted the team before dipping Harley and laying one on him. The in-studio audience laughed at this, and Ellen was watching Harley’s dead eyes with glee.

“So, you and Spiderman.”

“Me and Spiderman,” Harley grumbled.

“What’s the story there?”

“There isn’t one.”

“Oh, come on now,” she said. “Spiderman kissed you in front of your whole school.”

“He was wearing the mask,” Harley replied. “Not really a kiss.”

“He’s been adamant about that,” Peter said with a nod. “Not really a kiss. There’s a mask in the way. No mouth-on-mouth contact.”

“Well, it’s a good almost kiss, then. Are you and Spiderman actually dating?”

Harley sent her a look, straightening from where he’d slowly slumped into her sofa. “We’re not.”

“You’re not.”

“Nope.” He popped the ‘p’.

She looked to Peter with a raised eyebrow, who shrugged. “As far as I know, they’re not.”

“It was totally just a joke that everyone bought,” Harley agreed. “The playlist was Tony’s idea though.”

“It stemmed out of an Instagram post, right?”

Harley nodded. “Yeah, people thought we were cute and started shipping it, and then with the playlist and the footage from the Kangaroo crime scene-”

“The who-now?”

“Oh, crap – Frank Oliver,” Harley clarified. “Spiderman called him Kangaroo so that’s all we’ve been calling him.”

Peter snorted. “I like the name, personally.”

“It’s got that whole anti fear-in-the-name thing,” Harley agreed. “Give a bad guy a ridiculous name and you’ll never be afraid of him.”

“Sure.”

“So, like, everything just got blown out of proportion and Buzzfeed didn’t help in the slightest. And rather than just speculating and thinking about us being cute together, people kind of jumped from that to _oh wait what if they’re actually dating._ ”

“It’s a thing now,” Peter said with a nod. “People keep coming up to him to ask about it, which he doesn’t like because Harley and human interaction don’t go hand in hand. Oh! And Spiderley’s been trending on Tumblr for the past week. Which—”

“Peter’s jealous,” Harley interrupted.

“Am not.”

“Are too. You hang out with Spiderman just as much – if not _more_ – than I do, and no one ever shipped you two.”

Ellen raised an eyebrow. “Are _you_ dating Spiderman?” she asked.

“No!” Peter replied. “We’re—close. But we’re not dating or anything.” Harley was grinning in this knowing way and Peter sent him a side-eyed glare. “Don’t turn this on me,” he said. “I don’t need Peterman or whatever to trend. I’m happy being the person who’s not dating Spiderman.”

Harley hesitated for a second. “Sparker.”

“What?”

“Sparker. Your ship name would be Sparker, not Peterman.”

“Oh my God.” Peter lowered his head into his hands as Ellen laughed.

“I love you two,” she said, “you have such a close friendship. How about, after the break, we try and destroy that friendship once and for all with Aw, Snap?”

The audience cheered for the game and Peter grinned. “Looking forward to it.”

(Peter Parker is a dirty cheater who uses spider powers to win at game show contests. Don’t ever forget it.)

**+i. wired autocomplete**

They filmed the interview the next day, though it didn’t go up for a week.

“My name is Peter Parker.”

“I’m Harley Keener.”

“And this is the Wired-”

“Autocomplete-”

“Interview.”

The logo appeared, and then the two boys, sitting next to each other in laughably matching Iron Man t-shirts appeared back on screen.

“You wanna go first?” Harley asked. Peter shrugged as a large board appeared, Harley grabbing onto it. “Alright, alright. _Is Peter Parker…_ Tony Stark’s son?”

Peter laughed. “Biologically? No.”

“Emotionally?”

“Totally. Harley and I got him Father’s Day cards and everything.”

“Does he give you allowance? He won’t give me allowance.”

Peter scoffed. “Get a job.”

“Man, you sound just like him. _Is Peter Parker…_ bi?”

Peter winked at the camera. “100%. No doubt about that.”

Harley bumped knuckles with him. “Samesies.”

“ _Is Peter Parker…_ dead?”

Peter blinked. “Uh? No?”

“ _Is Peter Parker…_ a clone?”

“What? Really? Who the hell is asking that?”

Harley raised his eyebrows at Peter. “That’s a really evasive answer for someone who’s been asked if they’re a clone.”

“Harley! No, I’m not a clone.”

Harley whispered, “That’s exactly what a clone would say.”

The screen cut to Peter holding the new board. “Okay, butthead-”

“Solid nickname. 10/10.”

“I hate you.”

“No, you don’t.”

“ _Is Harley Keener…_ Tony Stark’s son?”

Harley sighed. “I’m gonna get all the same questions as you, you know that?”

“That’s because we’re the same person. Literally the same entity. No one knows us as individual people yet.”

Harley blinked. “You’re _my_ clone.”

Peter ripped off another piece of card, revealing the question. “ _Is Harley Keener…_ an orphan?”

“God, that’s dark.”

Peter laughed. “I can’t believe you get the orphan question, and me, the orphan, doesn’t.”

Harley shook his head. “My parents are probably still alive,” he said.

“Probably?”

“I mean, my Mom is, as of last night when I spoke to her last. My Dad is probably either still in 7-Eleven where he went to get scratchers ten years ago, or like, broken down on the road or something, which is why he hasn’t gotten back yet.”

Peter blinked at him before laughing so hysterically he dropped the card. “Oh-Oh no, shit-can you-oh my God, Harley-”

Harley cackled until the screen cut to the next question, where Peter was shaking his head.

“I can’t believe you’re _like that._ ”

“Like what?”

“Like _that._ Anyway, _Is Harley Keener…_ dating Spiderman?”

“There it is,” Harley said. He looked to the camera. “Literally no. We’re not. The fanart is cute though and I’ll continue to post it if that’s alright with you.”

“You two were cute together,” Peter commented.

“I know. I’m cute with anyone though. You two are cuter.” Peter raised an eyebrow and Harley nodded at the camera. “They’re adorable together, you should see them. _Is Harley Keener dating Spiderman?_ No, he’s not. But Peter Parker is though.”

Peter backhanded Harley’s arm, laughing.

“Their ship name is Sparker, confirmed,” Harley said. “I support and love them both. Peter literally won’t shut up about Spiderman, it’s all he talks about.”

“It’s not!”

“It _so is_ , Parker. Get another topic of conversation.”

 

They had a peaceful week until the interview aired. Then:

 

**_MOVE ASIDE SPIDERLEY, SPARKER IS HERE TO STAY_ **

_Harley Keener announces that he and Spiderman are not a couple – but Spiderman and Peter Parker are, though!_

Peter glared at Harley. “I hate you.”

“No you don’t,” Harley replied, pulling on the Spiderman mask. “Alright, get into a cute pose. This is the one that’s gonna make the front page.”

“Of what, the Daily Bugle? They hate me.”

“Okay, Buzzfeed’s homepage, then. The Huffington Post, I literally don’t care, Parker – it’s your turn to date a vigilante.”

Peter grumbled, turning to where Tony was standing with his phone, watching the whole thing with a mix of disdain and amusement. “I _am_ a vigilante, I don’t need to date one, too.” He swung an arm around Harley’s waist, though now he was actually a knock-off Spiderman.

“Smile, sweetie,” Harley cooed, turning his head to the camera. “If they’re gonna like Sparker more than Spiderley then we’re gonna capitalise, okay?”

Peter shook his head, readying himself before grinning widely. Tony took a few photos, loyal to his surrogate sons and their stupid ideas.

They switched up poses; Peter holding fake-Spiderman bridal style (Harley did _not_ have enough upper body strength to hold Peter for any prolonged period of time).

“I can’t believe they like you dating yourself more than _me_ dating you,” Harley whined from behind the mask.

Peter stopped smiling and blinked at Harley. “For the love of god, _please_ think before you speak.”

Harley scoffed and Tony barked out a laugh before the photos started up again.

“Not that I don’t support you two and whatever weird thing you’re doing for shits and giggles,” Tony said, mild, “but please don’t get married just to see the public’s reaction. I won’t pay for your divorce lawyers.”

Peter’s own laugh surprised him so much he lost his grip on Harley, dropping him to the floor. Peter immediately realised what he’d done and reached down to see if he was alright. “Oh my God, stop laughing Mr Stark, are you okay?”

Harley just grinned, tilting his head back and looking up at the ceiling.

There were few things that Harley knew to be the best that could’ve happened to him. Peter Parker was number one on that list.

**Author's Note:**

> ayeeee  
> thanks for reading! pretty please talk to me in the comments!
> 
> i had so much fun making this. w thanks to ciaconnaa for a) the help, b) the yelling and c) being on the exact same wavelength as me and knowing what i'm gonna do before i do it
> 
> i'm not sure what's next in the series but it might be something sadder idk
> 
> EDIT: I SAY AGAIN: pl e a s e stop shipping the boys in the comments or in my general vicinity i am Not here for it. if u wanna read them as romantic, read it in a fic that's actually wrITING them as romantic. this is NOT that fic
> 
> edit: so uh the a4 trailer just happened................................................................................... give me pepper potts as rescue or give me death marvel


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